War with Iraq, check. Soaring gas prices, check. Lamp in the White House...

Again I make the mistake of wandering the internet looking for something important and end up reading something that stops me in my tracks. President Bush has just made a wonderful public announcement on how he intends to finish his term. He has a well laid plan (as well as he can come up with) to conduct an act of repatriation one more time before he leaves office. I'm not sure if this is a follow up to his "I give up golf" comments, but it ranks right up there. Now I always take what I read on the internet with a pile of salt, especially from the Onion, but I just LOVE this article... here is a snippet...

With his term in office coming to an end in less than a year, President Bush announced Monday that he will spend the remainder of his presidency implementing an initiative that will have as-yet-unknown implications for his successors: the stealing of a coveted $27 desk lamp from the East Room of the White House. "Securing this lamp for my den in Crawford has long been a goal of my presidency,"

Need gas? Bend over and take it...

i remember when everyone freaked out about 2 dollar gas and the gas stations had to make paper signs because they didn't have enough "2's" to go around for all the signs... ahhhhh the good 'ol days. well, back then they might not have been able to tell you the price, but they sure knew how to charge you for it. fast forward the clock a bit to the on coming 4 dollar a gallon gas... new problem. nope, they have plenty of "4's"... this time the damn pumps can't figure out how to calculate and display anything above $3.99... solution? set the pump for HALF gallon pricing. how much you want to bet there are lines with people thinking they are getting cheap gas... good thing we learned our lesson the last time this happened...

Some older gas pumps can't display a price above $3.99. So, Pennsylvania is joining other states in allowing gas stations with those older pumps to temporarily have the pump set to the price for half a gallon of gas, Gov. Ed Rendell's office announced Friday.

"Most retail fuel stations in Pennsylvania can display per-gallon prices over $4, but we will accommodate those that cannot, allowing business to continue and ensuring consumers get what they pay for," Rendell said in a statement.
The price on the pump is multiplied by two before the customer pays. The price of a full gallon has to be on the sign drivers see from the street.

Alright everyone, pony up...

This is a sad sad story. i'm sorry i'm even posting about it, but i feel as though it is my civic duty to help these young ladies out. these girls are out there killing themselves every night... for what? pennies because of rising gas prices? DO YOU PART PEOPLE!

"I have to go to other places to try to make the money," said an exotic
dancer known as Storm. "[I've gone from] about a grand a week, down to a couple hundred," Storm added. "The more they work, the more money they can make," said Serafini. "Now they're making less money per hour because the gentlemen have less disposable income to give to them," Serafini added. Although many customers have likely received an economic stimulus refund from the federal government, Serafini says that money is not being spent in his club. "I want to make my money just like everybody else," said Storm.

oh, and if my wife asks... i was never here....

OMG!!!! So sad.... soooooo sad...

it makes me ashamed that i enjoyed the 80's. i'm going to have to go stab my eyes out with a spoon now...

What's happening hot stuff...

now this is the perfect example of american marketing in sports. a minor league baseball team in minnesota is handing out bobblefoots... that's right, bobbleheads are soooo yesterday...

The St. Paul Saints of the American Association say the first 2,500 fans attending Sunday's game against the Fort Worth Cats would receive a "bobblefoot" -- atwist on popular bobblehead promotions paying tribute to baseball heroes. This item lampoons the August 2007 arrest of U.S. Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, in a men's room at Minneapolis-St, Paul International Airport.The Saints said on their Web site the promotion would honor "tappers" on National Tap Dance Day, a reference to the foot-tapping that Craig allegedly used to signal interest in a sexual encounter with an undercover police officer.The "bobblefoot" design is a bathroom stall with a foot that "taps" up and down.

I didn't mean THAT kind of dead...

there is a time to be stupid and then there is "shut your damn pie hole woman!" i can only imagine Clinton's campaign managers face when he stroked out after hearing this golden nugget of a comment...

Responding to a question from the Sioux Falls Argus Leader editorial board about calls for her to drop out of the race, she said: "My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. You know I just, I don't understand it," she said, dismissing the idea of abandoning the race. Clinton said she didn't understand why, given this history, some Democrats were calling for her to quit.

i wonder if she was sending a secret code to her flying monkeys? how could you even THINK that making an assassination comment is good press....

BEEEF CAKE!

thats right bad guys, if you commit a crime, it's time to bulk up. POWER EATING!

A Canadian man in a Quebec prison whose weight ballooned to 430 pounds had his sentence reduced because he's too big for his cell. Michel Lapointe, 37, has been in a Montreal-area prison for 20 months on drug and gangsterism charges, the Ottawa Citizen reported. When he was first jailed, he weighed 300 pounds. At a sentencing review Wednesday, a judge sentenced him to five years minus time served, with a bonus six months taken off because of his girth, the report said.

i R DumB...

i love battles about intelligence. i guess it's beacuse i don't clame to have any and offer that as a fact quite often, but this isn't about little 'ol me... check this out.

In a paper shown to the Times Higher Education magazine, Dr Charlton questioned the Government's drive to get more students from poor backgrounds into top universities like Oxford and Cambridge. He said: "The UK Government has spent a great deal of time and effort in asserting that universities, especially Oxford and Cambridge, are unfairly excluding people from low social class backgrounds and privileging those from higher social classes.
"Yet in all this debate a simple and vital fact has been missed: higher social classes have a significantly higher average IQ than lower social classes."

Ummm important smart people? I have only one piece of evidence to present, oh mighty brains of the really smart people who think being a higher social class makes you smarter....

Paris Hilton....

Yup, file this under dumbass establishment...

i admire this kid quite a bit. Caleb Anderson of Dickson County, TN has been riding his horse to school instead of driving his car. why? GAS PRICES! it takes this high school senior 4 hours to get to school, but he says it's worth it. now for the dumbass part, the principal of his school is NOT allowing him to join in graduation ceremonies because of it. WHAT?!?!? ok, so this guy is aware and doing something about current issues, he is VOLUNTARILY waking up at 4am to get to school, AND there is a high school near by that SUPPORTS this action at their school for their students... yup, dumbass establishment. Caleb, in this case it is SURE to get better when you get out of high school...

According to Caleb's grandmother Sandra Anderson, Caleb didn't think it would be as big of a problem as the principal made it out to be. Besides, he was doing his part as a new high school graduate to go green and save a little gas.But once Caleb arrived at school, Dickson County High Principal Ed Littleton told Caleb to get the horse off the school property. Police arrived shortly after Caleb put the horse in a friend's pasture near the school. As punishment, Caleb was told he will not be allowed to participate in his graduation ceremony Friday.

You'll never catch me...

i have heard of cops being called pigs, bacon, oinkers.... but when you're are actually caught by the real deal? yea... you suck!

Police in Schwerin, northern Germany, said the 18-year-old abandoned a stolen vehicle he was driving after failing to shake off a chasing patrol car by driving into a field.The driver initially got away by running into nearby woods.But officers then heard the fugitive shouting for help - he had run into a herd of angry wild boars which were keen to protect their young.

And so it starts...

it was only a matter of time before jackasses like these would start showing up. time to start looking into locking gas caps again people... damn it, of all the things to come back from the 70's. this would be one of the very rare cases where i would rather have disco back than gas and oil issues...

Vinton County sheriff's deputies said trucker Mike Ebert jumped into the cab of Carl Wilson's truck after the second man allegedly siphoned the diesel fuel, which was priced at $4.39 per gallon at the time of the theft, from his vehicle at a truck stop near McArthur, Ohio, The Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch reported Wednesday.

I'm simply speechless...

no i'm not... how did go in that movie? oh yea... BURN THE WITCH!

A North Charleston, S.C., woman has admitted to inventing a daughter she claimed was slain in Iraq to convince creditors to give her more time to pay bills. Melanie Grant, 39, said she fed a false story about a daughter who was killed while serving in Iraq to Suburban Funeral Home, which took out a $242.77 obituary in The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier for the fictional Lt. Melissa Hope Grant, The Post and Courier reported Wednesday.

And the hits keep coming…

I’m glad our leaders are reaching out to help. I really am… but this is one of those cases where I think priorities are a bit out of line…

The United States will allow Americans to send mobile phones to relatives in Cuba under a change in policy that President Bush announced Wednesday. President Bush announces the U.S. policy allowing cell phones to Cuba at the White House on Wednesday. Bush said he is making the change since President Raúl Castro "is allowing Cubans to own mobile phones for the first time."

After being elected president in February, Raúl Castro announced that Cubans who can afford them could buy cell phones and DVD players and stay in hotels previously reserved for foreign tourists -- overturning bans from the Fidel era.

The goods and services remain out of reach for most people on the island, where $120 cell phones plus $10.80 calling cards cost about six times the average monthly salary.

Bush said Wednesday it is "the height of hypocrisy to claim credit to allow Cubans to purchase appliances that virtually none of them can afford."

Psssssst uh Mr. President… did you know that out of a 40 hour week for someone on minimum wage they would have to work about an entire day to fill up an average 18 gallon tank just to get to work? Good to know you are concerned about the financial welfare of the Cuban people we have had some sort of an embargo against since ’58. way to go tiger, go get ‘em.

Look over there! Elvis!

You have GOT to be friggin kidding me. We can’t even organize a picnic without having it go through six reviews, 2 inquiry commissions, and a public debate much less organize a crash and grab with little or no notice.

On the eve of Mr Ban's visit to Burma, the New Light of Myanmar, a mouthpiece for the ruling junta, said US naval ships and helicopters poised offshore would not be allowed to deliver aid to cyclone victims - citing fears of a US invasion aimed at grabbing the country's oil reserves.

Tell you what Burma, next time you go asking for aid don’t insult the ones who have been dishing out cash and food to foreign countries your years… doesn’t matter if it came from mainstream views or not. How about this… we will give aid to those who don’t insult us. Don’t like us? Go eat a bag…

You hit him, no YOU hit him…

I have to say, I’m pretty mixed on the whole interrogation techniques used these days argument. It’s one of those deals where it is a necessary evil of our world. You need information, you go get information… just make sure you got the right guy… I also understand that as the United States we have to be the bigger man in it all and take the high road… but who would have EVER thought that the FBI and the CIA would be playing good cop bad cop on a public forum…

The review by Justice Department Inspector General Glenn Fine is the most detailed account of the FBI's involvement with terrorism suspects, some of whom were subjected to waterboarding, an interrogation technique that simulates drowning. The report credits FBI agents with communicating their concerns to superiors and refusing to participate in abusive sessions. It says the controversial treatment of detainees by the military and U.S. intelligence officers persisted because of a view "at a very high level that this was a military situation and the military approach should prevail." The CIA has acknowledged using waterboarding.

I probably should have slept instead… pt.3

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Boy, that’s one hell of an opening statement. Personally, I think this section of the Declaration of Independence is attacked all too often. Why? Well, in most cases people don’t realize that there is this neat little part ahead of that and a whole bunch of cool words after it. So I will separate myself from the drive-by melon heads that think this document ends here. In most cases, this is about all that is given to our fine youth of America to study. In the “ :::insert ANYTHING here ::: for Dummies” world that we are drowning in, you really can’t expect too much. Well, I do… but that’s a whole different story we might come too down the line. Anyways, the next few lines are the ones we seem to overlook all too often. If you don’t happen to have a copy of it sitting next to you while you’re reading this, I’m all too happy to let you read it here…
That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Hmmmmm, so let’s think about this. It is the RIGHT of the people to alter or abolish the government if they start to fall of their rocker. Problem is, we aren’t even allowed to see the front porch the rocker is on in order to tell who the hell is wrecking the joint. Well, it’s easy to say the man in the oval office is at fault. Sure, why not, he is the political puppet that gets all the airtime right? Now before you go setting me on fire and feeding me to the witch eaters in a third world country, hear me out. My problem with this blame is very simple. In my twisted view, it’s not him who is wrecking it… it’s him NOT doing ANYTHING about it. Now grant it, his job is to “drive our country” into greatness...problem is, he is asleep at the wheel and letting his little shoulder angel goons do the driving. You know the ones I am talking about right? His mod squad of imaginary people who he talks to that live next to his head? You can always tell when he is gathering more information from them when he shrugs his shoulders over and over again… which coincidentally happens when he makes that little Muttley giggle of his… (Let’s file that one for later observation) Where was I…. oh yes, so the rest of the opening paragraphs of the Declaration covers quick quips about how it is in our right to get rid of our government and replace it with a new system and such… not a good idea to be turning our government into a Sears catalog changing as the seasons roll by, but to ensure that changes for the people occur? THAT’S a GOOD idea. What we need is the super candidate. We need someone strong. Someone smart. A worldly individual. A self starter who can grab this country and force it home to the promise land. We need a delicate blend of the finest qualities from all parties that have forced their one sided views on us. We need a president that can relate and share their own pain with the people. Someone charismatic. Someone who will listen and actually understand what the masses are saying. Shit… I just described… never mind this person doesn’t exist. So what do we do? Well, take a DEEP look at who is out there for us. We have our choices in front of us, we just need to ALL stand up and join each other to make the “people’s” voice heard. So how the hell is this going to happen with mouths running and ears closed? Not to mention, between Starbucks, fast food, and Oprah when do we have time to band together as “the people” to do anything about it. Be right back… need some coffee… (Stay tuned)

Random quote from a book in my house pt.5

"Channing faced them and rose to his feet, his expression not friendly. " I didn't raise my boys to be goddamn groupies," he stated matter-of-factly."

-Maust, Dory (2007) Glass Windows

Interview Quote of the Day...

(btw i never said these would be new quotes...)

“You’d be amazed at the number of people who want to introduce themselves to you in the men’s room. It’s the most bizarre part of this entire thing.”

–John Kerry


hmmmm wonder how well he knows Larry Craig...

Urinals, outhouses, crappers oh my!

so Seattle was trying to really step into the technological forefront with this venture. the problem is it set them back a "clean" $5 mil that's now gone down the drain...

Seattle has abandoned its $5 million "experiment" with high-tech self-cleaning public toilets.
"I don't know if we'll put them on eBay or what," said Andy Ryan, a spokesman for Seattle Public Utilities.
The city had planned to spend another $5 million on high-tech toilets over the next five years. But a recent report described the toilets as "crime magnets" and said old-fashioned public johns with stalls are more cost-effective.

keep your eye's pealed. you might get a top dollar poo trap for next to nothing... and since we are on the subject of toilets i leave you with a poem i learned in my youth...ahem...

This little thrown we call our own so try to keep it neat.
please be kind with your behind and don't shit on the seat.

thank you, thank you i'm here all week...

911? Can you help me distract this cop?

on this list of brilliant people, i give you a gentleman from Hazelwood, Missouri. i just hope he was also drunk so he would have an excuse for how stupid he is...

A Hazelwood officer says he noticed the passenger making a cell phone call.
It turns out, the man called in a fake robbery at a nearby convenience store, hoping the officer would have to respond to that instead of writing his friend a ticket. He was busted when the dispatcher heard the officer in the background.

check please, don't want the dumb to rub off on me from this one...

Random quote from a book in my house pt.4

"Now you have come, O heaven-descended man, we are as glad as if we were approaching Ithica, our native land."

-Homer, a revised translation by George H. Palmer (translated 1891) Odyssey

Damn it my watch stopped again...

there is nothing that pisses me off more than when my watch battery dies. well except crappy drivers.... gas prices... applesauce... never mind. anyways, as i was saying. if you don't mind a little sunburn (or the volunteer on this project), you can always use the 'ol peter as a sundial! imagine that, tell the clock with yer cock! here is a quick supply excerpt...

Suppose you’re at a nudist resort. Wearing a wristwatch would ruin your look and mess up your seamless tan. Now you won’t have to worry that you’ll miss the 1 p.m. co-ed volleyball tournament.

sorry for all the schlong posts today lol. here is the link if you want to read more, who knows... might save your life one day. (might not be safe for work)

http://www.sexhax.com/sundial.html

It's a bird... It's a plane... It's a winnie? WTF?

So i hear that there are some real pricks in meetings around the world. I mean, every one of them has it's share of dicks....but can they fly? Go go gadget whirlie pee pee!

HELP!!!! Anyone??? Hello???

so this is a beauty from Kentucky. Apparently if your ever down way of Hickman Kentucky, whether it be for work or pleasure... be careful. ESPECIALLY Wednesday night. cause come midnight, the local EMS will stop responding or answering 911 calls. why you ask? cause no one will buy them a new tonka twuck....

Local emergency workers in southwestern Kentucky have voted unanimously to stop answering calls, effective midnight Wednesday.
Fulton County Judge Executive David Gallagher says the Fulton County-City of Hickman Rescue Squad is invaluable to county residents, but has asked the county to buy an $89,000 truck it can't afford.

How much you wanna bet that Mr. Fulton County Judge has "issues" that night... anyone?
File this one under "stipudity"

Random quote from a book in my house pt.3

I pointed my sword at Antaenus. "Winner takes all! I win, we all go free. You win, we die. Swear upon the River Styx."

-Roirdan, Rick (2008) The Battle of the Labyrinth

Yay! I set Texarkana a blaze...

Well not really. but i did manage to start a panic there. i have to admit, that is one place i haven't offended or gotten riled up yet. so just pin this one on the 'ol "ChuCK did it" map... cause i did. HELL YEA!!!


oh and a heart felt apology to those i DID panic... you may beat me with a trout at your nearest convenience...

I probably should have slept instead… pt.2

Here are the Amendments of the Constitution... Now I would normally spend DAYS breaking each one of these down, so I’m going to focus on the ones that get ignored or little press at all. We all know about the 5th (the bad guys love that one), the 2nd is soooo AWB 1994 (as if…), and who could forget the good ‘ol 1st amendment. (That’s right, you can speak up but we have modern loop holes to snatch your ass you extremist hippy) Uh oh… I feel myself slipping again…

The 10th amendment reads: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
So, my simple mind reads this as…Ahem… since the federal government is too big to notice, the state government is trying too hard to impress the federal government, it’s up to us people to deal with the real issues that directly affect us. Right? Trick is… how. When you try, there is a team of lawyers and lobbyist (see the preamble above) to come to your rescue. So, this is where impressive “legislation” steps in. Great financial mathematicians are used to make these work. They usually drop about a cool million of our tax dollars to decide if your issue is worth it. (Ummmm aren’t we supposed to be dealing with this ourselves? It says so in the amendment). Then they put together a team of “experts” to provide information to the whitewash board that has been created. Next, a side bar team gives is a cool friendly name, passes the vote and POOF, all of your problems are solved.
On a side note, my personal favorite… eminent domain. Now this concept or well informed government assisted advancement as the suits would say, is nothing new. Been around for ages. So why is that they feel as though they need to change the wrapper on what of the ages has been considered in its rawest form, empowered theft? Just because Kelo v. City of New London said so, one year after the ruling it becomes an executive order issued by the president? What, you have extra stuff that we the government might need? No problem at all, we will take care of it for you… it’s now ours. We will make sure to sell it to the highest bidder or our favorite private party… in your best interest of course. See how easy that is? LOVE it! I love it so much I want to give it a big ‘ol Barney hug…. So I can squeeze the shit out of it. Ok, breath deep. Let’s get off the 10th and move on shall we?

How about the 12th amendment? Yea this one is a hoot. It deals with picking the great leader of our nation… it reads: The Electors shall meet in their respective states, and vote by ballot for President and Vice-President, one of whom, at least, shall not be an inhabitant of the same state with themselves; they shall name in their ballots the person voted for as President, and in distinct ballots the person voted for as Vice-President, and they shall make distinct lists of all persons voted for as President, and of all persons voted for as Vice-President and of the number of votes for each, which lists they shall sign and certify, and transmit sealed to the seat of the government of the United States, directed to the President of the Senatfdjkhfgd;skjl;gkfdgklj b…. oh I’m sorry I passed out transposing that one. No friggin wonder we can’t pick the right guy or gal to run the joint. There are so many ways to NOT count the individual opinion and vote, we end up with the deepest pocket winner. I’ll leave this one alone, the whole planet is pretty aware of our country's situation with this little gem.

I’ll wrap up with the 27th amendment. Limiting the congressional pay increases. I’m all for this one… when it works. You see, my money and their money don’t add up. This is what I personally refer to as the Wal-Mart Income Scale of Reality. Never heard of it? Hell it’s simple. I’m forced to shop there, they have never heard of it outside of its stock ticker letters. You know how the old saying goes… well, there isn’t one in this case, it just sucks. Next time I will visit the Declaration of Independence… this one make me all tingly inside… (Stay tuned)